Hero Clerks 4
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: Watch as Spider-man and Deadpool get hired to help Kitana out in Outworld. Contains foul-language and sexual references.
1. Chapter 1

It was a normal day at the Marvel Quick Stop. Normal except Spider-man had was upside down on the ceiling with his head in his hands.

"Hey little buddy, why the long face?" Deadpool, Spider-man's co-worker and best friend, asked while walking in behind the counter.

"Black Cat's been giving me the blue balls." Spider-man sadly replied.

"That bad huh?"

"It's the Black fucking Cat! She's had sex with men and women, yet she won't even give me a blow job because it's her time-of-the-month!" he explained and came down to the floor.

"Wow that sucks." was Deadpool's only reply.

"I haven't had sex since that time with..." Spider-man shuddered frightend of his one horrible memory of a green gigantress. "Well you- know-who, and it's been driving me nuts."

Deadpool's face shows that he's also remembering his time with they-know-who. "At least your sex-drive survived the encounter. I haven't been able to get a boner since, not even a 'Golden Girls' marathon can cure my problem."

"Have you ever thought of taking enzyme?" Spider-man asked.

"THOUGHT!?" Deadpool took out a bottle of enzyme. "I've been taking this shit for 8 months and I'm not smiling like an idiot!"

"Ahem!" a feminine voice interrupted the clerks.

"Oh, it's you." Spider-man said angrily to his ex-girlfriend Kitana, who for some reason was visiting them at their store.

"Um, hi." Kitana said nervously to her ex-boyfriend and his best friend, who both didn't look too happy at her since she broke up with Spider-man for no good reason.

"What do you want?" Spider-man questioned.

"Well, you see the emperor of Outworld is still in power and we think he has some sick plan to control all." Kitana explained.

"So, what do we care?" Deadpool questioned casually.

"Look, I need you 2 to join me in a strike team so we can take down Shao Kahn." she pleaded.

"Why should we?" Spider-man crossed his arms and turned his head stubbornly.

Kitana though was ready for his reply and sat on the counter and struck a very, very sexy pose.

"I'll make it worth your while." she said seductively and it worked since Spider-man's eyes bugged out and he started to sweat.

"W-W-What do you mean?" he tugged at his collar.

She emphasizes her point by taking a popsicle from the freezer in front of the counter, unwraps it, pulls down her face mask, and puts the popsicle in her mouth. She then takes out popsicle and all that comes out is the stick. This was enough to make Spider-man faint.

"Oh my God, you killed him with his boner!" Deadpool said.

"I'm okay." Spider-man muttered from the floor.

"Well you got my friend convinced but what's in it for me?" Deadpool questioned.

Kitana, knowing the kind of person Deadpool is, gives him a huge wad of cash. Seeing this, Deadpool starts to gasp for air and starts rubbing the money all over his body.

"I'm in!"

"Good! There's more in it for you 2 when the job's done, you'll both get a 100,000. Let's go!"

she said.

"Cool, we'll take the tumbler." Spider-man said once he got up.

"Oh no, I don't trust either of you after the collateral damage you caused with that tank!" she explained.

"Well, we can take the batpod. I found a way to eject it without the tumbler self-destructing." Spider-man said.

"Spider-man, I don't trust you or Deadpool with a tricycle." she explained. "The portal to my castle is right outside the store."

"Cool, let's get a move on." Spider-man slaps Kitana on the ass. She turns around and glares at him.

"All because I promise to sleep with you, doesn't mean I'll let you slap me on the ass." she walks out and enters the portal, followed by the 2 happy mercenaries.(They are getting paid).

When they get to the other side not only are they treated to the sight of a restored Edenia but also a shirtless chinese man with dragon pants and a red bandanna, standing next to Kitana.

"Who's this pussy?" Spider-man asked.

"Oh, this' my boyfriend Liu Kang." this reply makes Spider-man look as if his heart's broken.

"So wait, is Spider-man still going to get laid?" Deadpool broke the awkward silence.

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters featured in this story, Marvel and Midway does.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Boyfriend, Kitana what the fuck!?" Spider-man questioned in disbelief to the princess of Edenia.

"Well, after the dinner party you came to, my mom went to this demented God we know and she found a way to bring my old boyfriend back from the dead." she explained nervously twirling a strand of loose hair.

"So wait, are you 2 still gonna screw?" Deadpool asked unafraid of the consequences and Liu Kang eyed Kitana suspiciously.

"Um, Liu could you wait for me in the palace." Liu Kang complied and left Kitana to handle her very strange dilemma.

"Look I will sleep with you Spidey, it's just that you shouldn't expect any sort of relationship to come out of this." she explained to a dissapointed Spider-man.

"WHAT!?"

"It's just that, well, Liu Kang came first." she explained not really caring for Spider-man's reaction.

"What!?" he yelled. "Kitana, he's got to be about 3 inches shorter than me and he wears a bandana like he's trying to be John-freaking-Rambo!"

"Which he is not!" Deadpool added. "Rambo knew how to kick ass and wasn't afraid to disembowel! Heh-heh, disembowel, dis-em-bowel, I like that word."

"Yeah, why would you get a wet pussy over that?" Spider-man asked.

"Hey, don't blame me, blame Ed Boon." she danced around the question and left to her home. Spider-man and Deadpool just stand there stunned.

"I can't believe this man." Spider-man started before walking towards the castle.

"Can't believe what?" Deadpool questioned as he followed behind his best friend.

"I was the fucking rebound guy!" Spider-man said in dismay. "She was just using me as waiting line for a fucking asian!"

"Dude, she's a fucking video game character, they're all sluts!" Deadpool explained.

"All female video game characters?" Spider-man questioned.

"Dude, they're all either fierce warriors from a silver spoon backround or a freaking bounty hunter with the voice of Jennifer Hale having a violent orgasm, of course they're gonna give it away for free!" Deadpool explained.

"All video game characters aye?" Spider-man thought out loud. "Kitana's best friend Jade?"

"Spidey I bet you by the end of this story, she and Kitana are going to 69. Of course after she's done with you."

"Dude no fanfiction writer is going to have a character sleep with me and then become a lesbo." Spider-man replied.

"Oh you'd be surprised my friend. You'd be surprised."

"Okay... Chun Li?" Spider-man asked.

"She sucky, sucky and licky, licky 5 dorra!" he explained in a foreign accent.

"Princess Peach?"

"Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Toad, Yoshi! Need I go on?"

"Samus?"

"Everytime she dies she sounds like she's squirting her love juice." Deadpool said with glee. "Look dude, either way, you my friend will be getting laid."

"I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right!" Deadpool exclaimed. "Pussy helps the world go round."

"You would know right?" Spider-man replied smugly.

"Yeah I've had some experience before my..." Deadpool gulped. "accident."

"Really, have you done any of the X-women?" Spider-man asked curiously.

"I wish!"

"Electra?"

"That's the Punisher's territory, I ain't going near that." Deadpool said

"Sue Richards."

"Spidey, what I meant was I've had experience with regular women." Deadpool corrected Spider-man. "I've only had sex with one superhuman and I've regretted it ever since."

Spider-man and Deadpool walk into the palace.

**Outworld**

In the palace of Shao Kahn lied the most feared dictator in all the realm. Shao Kahn, 7 feet tall, 500 pounds in full muscle, shaking violently, and struggling with a bottle of pills. Wait a minute, what?

"Uhhhhh-uhhhhhh! S-S-Stupid pills, open all ready, uhhhhhhh!" Shao Kahn shouted at his pills. All of the sudden Shao Kahn's daughter, Mileena came in.

"Hey there Shao, how you doing?" she asked casually.

"How the hell do you think I'm doing!" the nervous wreck of an emperor yelled. "Uhhh, I use to be the most powerful being in all of Outworld until I got my ass kicked by some 5 foot spick! Ooooh when think about all the trouble that little bastard has caused me! Uhhh!"

"Yeah, well I just came to let you know that our spy just sent in his report. Turns out Kitana's getting a strike team to come over here." she explained as if nothing bad was going to happen.

"D-Damn it, she's trying to kill me again."

While Shao Kahn was loathing in his self-pity of his inimate dimise, Baraka and Goro came in casually and went straight for Shao Kahn's safe.

"W-W-What the hell are you 2 doing? Uhhh" Shao Kahn questioned pathetically.

"We're taking our pay, dumbass!" Baraka said disrespectfully to his boss.

"Hey! C-Come back here with my money!" Shao Kahn demanded but to no avail. Baraka and Goro left the fallen emperor's chambers with 200 thousand dollars each.

"Ooooh, when did I start losing control over my minions?" Shao Kahn questioned out loud.

"Like you said, when you got your ass kicked by a 5 foot spick." she answered disrespectfully and started to walk out.

"W-Whe're you going?" Shao Kahn questioned.

"To meet with my boyfriend."

"Y-You can't just leave me to visit some boy!" he pleaded pathetically "I'm going to die!"

"So?" she obviously didn't care.

"D-Damn it! I am your father and you will listen to me!" he yelled

"I would if I had any respect for you." she giggled and walked out. Shao Kahn took out a whiskey bottle and started drinking as if there were no end.


	3. Chapter 3

Spider-man and Deadpool enter inside the castle. Spider-man doesn't seem that interested since he's seen the place before but Deadpool looks at the place like a retard in a morgue. Sindel then comes in to introduce her guest.

"ROYALTY!" Deadpool yelled as he took out his AK-47 and started firing at Sindel. Luckily she ducked before any of the bullets hit her and Deadpool ended up shooting the wall until he ran out of bullets.

"What the fuck asshole!?" Sindel yelled as she got up.

"Deadpool has a tendency to do that." Spider-man replied casually while everyone in the palace just looked at the 2 clerks strangely.

"Um...right. Listen me, my mom, and the captain of the royal guard have to discuss our strike plan." Kitana explained as she walked away. "Make yourself at home."

Deadpool and Spider-man take her up on her offer and decide to walk around the castle. While walking, Deadpool notices a wall ornament of 2 double-edged swords on top of a shield.

"Hey Spidey," Deadpool said as he took one of the swords off the shield. "When I left you I was but the learner now _I _am the master."

Getting the reference Spider-man also took the second sword. "You're only a master of evil Darth."

Deadpool started by striking at Spider-man but Spidey blocks it just in time. They then started their battle by swinging their swords at eachother vertically both colliding with eachother. They continued their battle down the hall, each swinging to strike the other and each missing. Meanwhile inside Kitana, Jade, and Sindel were having their discussion but it wasn't about the strike against Shao Khan.

"Why in the hell did you bring that little prick back!?" Sindel angrily questioned her daughter."And why did you invite his psycho friend with him?"

"Mom! They're both good fighters from what I heard." Kitana explained.

"Kitana, a nutless monkey could beat that nervous wreck of an emperor!" Sindel yelled.

"Well that's what they are." Kitana answered and insulted at the same time. "Besides, they go in, they kick his ass easily, they get paid and we never see them again."

"I guess you're right." Sindel compromised. Then one of the servants came in.

"Queen Sindel, we're having some problems with our guest." she explained.

"What do you mean?" she questioned. She was answered by the crashing of vase being heard from outside the room.

"Take that asshole!" Spider-man yelled. Deadpool replied by throwing a portrait of Sindel's husband at him which Spidey dodged.

"Ha-ha! Missed me, missed me, now you gotta..." Spider-man began to taunt but Deadpool smacked him in the face with a portrait of Kitana, knocking him to the ground. Deadpool then body slams Spider-man and they start having a wrestling match which ends when Sindel comes out.

She looked down the hallway, surrounded by broken vases, portraits, holes in the wall and a messed up carpet. After seeing the wrecked hallway her only words were "WHAT THE FUCK!"

"You said to make ourselves at home." Deadpool replied from the floor.

"Do you always destroy your house when you're fucking around?" she questioned.

Spider-man and Deadpool stood up and thought. "No, just the hallway of our apartment building." Spider-man replied.

Sindel rubbed her temple. Getting the point, one of her servants gave her a bottle of aspirin and she chugged about half the bottle into her mouth.

"We're heading out." Kitana said, fearing that her mother was going to have a nervous breakdown. She was followed by Jade, Liu Kang, Spider-man, and Deadpool but Deadpool stopped in the garden.

"Hold on I gotta take a leak." Deadpool said.

"Yeah me too." Spider-man said also and they both walked over to the flower garden and started urinating all over the rare flowers. Unfortunately for her, Sindel watch this and as her left eye twitched and the vein in her head started throbbing, she took out her liquor bottle and started pouring the alcohol down her throat without mercy.

**A/N: It's a short chapter and it may not be that good but the story'll get better along the way.**


	4. Chapter 4

"Are we there yet?" Deadpool asked Kitana who was leading the way. They had been traveling for about 6 hours and Deadpool wouldn't stop asking the same question or shooting every animal he saw.

"No," Kitana answered, everyone could tell she was annoyed.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Deadpool for the thousandth time no!" Kitana yelled.

"Yeesh what a bitch," Deadpool whispered to Spider-Man.

"She's a princess, what did you expect?" Spider-Man replied.

"I know what you mean, these fucking princess' are always born with a silver spoon up thier ass yet they always want more for some reason," Deadpool explained.

"Any examples?"

"'The Little Mermaid', that hooker from 'Aladdin', that bitch from 'Sleeping Beauty', the list goes on my friend,' Deadpool explained.

"You know we can hear you from up here," Kitana mentioned from the front of the line.

"Dude, after you screw her I recommend not trying to get a relationship from this lady," Deadpool advised.

"Are you kidding me!" Spider-Man yelled. "We kick this emperor's ass, we get paid, I fuck her, and she can spend the rest of her life with some fucking asian pansy for all I care!"

Liu Kang looked at Spider-Man strangely after what he said. Kitana then decided after another hour of traveling, that they should stop and set up camp.

"Well we're just gonna..." Kitana started but was cut off by Deadpool.

"Shhhhhhh," Deadpool pointed at a nearby squirrel.. "There's a squirrel, a brown one with a white stripe going down it's back. Isn't it beautiful. MY GOD IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!

Deadpool took out his machine gun and blew the woodland critter to high hell, it's blood and guts sprayed everywhere.

"As I was saying!" Kitana said as her eye twitched, "Me and Jade are going to bathe in the lake near by, we'll see you in a bit!"

She walked away, steam practically coming out of her head, followed by Jade. Spider-Man and Deadpool were trying to hold back their smiles, even though nobody could really see them because they're always wearing masks. They then start walking away from the camp site.

"Whe're you 2 going?" Liu Kang asked.

"Oh we're just going...bird watching," Spider-man and Deadpool giggle like little school girls and walk towards their destination... the hill above the lake Kitana and Jade were bathing. They both took out a pair of binoculars and enjoyed the show.

"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!!" Spider-Man yelled from the top of the hill.

"Slow down the train, bring on the caboose." Deadpool imitaded a country hick.

"Woo-woo!" Spider-Man imitated a train engine.

Down in the lake Kitana and Jade were bathing, annoyed by the comments Spider-man and Deadpool were making. Jade reached for her clothes and picked up her boomerang, preparing to hearl it at the obnoxious duo before Kitana stopped her.

"Just let it go Jade," Kitana said to her best friend.

"But these guys are being douchebags!" Jade protested.

"Forget about it, let them be perverts, we won't have to hang out with them for much longer." Kitana explained.

"I don't understand why you brought those 2 along,"

"I feel sorry for them. I mean one of them's divorced with barely any money and he use to be one of the greatest heroes in the known world." Kitana explained.

"What about Deadpool," Jade questioned.

"He was going to tag along either way."

Up on the hill, the hero clerks were still having fun.

"Boy, if Jessica Biel ever sees that ass she'll kill herself knowing there's someone sexier than her!" Spider-man explained giggly.

"What're you 2 doing?" Liu Kang asked from behind them. They turn around to face the shaolin monk.

"We're trying to enjoy pussy time, something you wouldn't understand. Pussy!" Spider-Man explained. The 2 clerks turn back to their peep show but notice that the girls are gone.

"Where'd they go?" Deadpool questioned sadly.

"Ahem!" Kitana said from behind them fully dressed. They both turn around casually as if nothing had happend.

"Look let's go back to camp and eat," she said.

"Wait!" Deadpool said as he stood up with Spider-man. "I've got it handled."

Deadpool takes out a grenade from his belt and hurls it at the lake. The water blows up and once the water went back to the lake, half the fish floated to the surface.

Kitana sighs. "I was about to say we had some food back at the camp site."

"Oh," was Deadpool's only reply. Then Spider-Man took another grenade from Deadpool's belt and herld it to the other side of the lake, then more dead fish rose to the surface. Deadpool and Spider-Man both chest high-fived over their accomplishment of destroying wild life.


	5. Chapter 5

After dinner which didn't involve anything Deadpool had blown to little bitsy pieces, the group had decided to get some sleep. The boys were sleeping outside because the girls didn't trust Deadpool or Spider-Man, and they thought it only fair that Liu Kang sleep outside with them. While the girls were in their tent, Spider-Man and Deadpool were watching the stars, thinking about how this might be the best moment in their recent lives.

"You know Deadpool; just looking at these stars makes me happy to be alive." Spider-Man explained happily.

"No it doesn't." Deadpool replied, knowing better.

"You're right, it's the fact that I'm going to have enough money for myself and that whore of my ex-wife and I'm going to have a cure for my blue balls!" Spider-Man smiled.

"Spidey you keep talking about your pussy reward, I'm going to kill you." Deadpool explained calmly.

"No you won't."

"You're right, I'll probably shoot the nearest thing to me. Possibly that pussy over there." Deadpool pointed at Liu Kang.

Liu Kang stood up and walked up to the duo. Spider-Man stuck out his hand as a gesture to stop.

"Hey! We told you to keep you're distance pussy." Spider-man commanded.

"Look, I'm getting the feeling that you guys don't like me." Liu Kang sadly said and Spider-Man stood up sternly.

"Of course I don't like you dickhead!" Spider-man used his hand to measure Kang. "Look at you, why would Kitana get a wet pussy over you!? You're a 5'7 nothing who believes in this peaceful monk bullshit!"

"Well maybe she likes me better because I know a little something known as respect!" Liu defended himself. "Also you may have sex with her after this is done but I just might marry her."

Spider-Man snorted holding back his laughter. "Don't tell me you're one of those 'save it till marriage dildos." When he saw Liu Kang bow his head in shame, Spider-Man burst out laughing along with Deadpool.

"You really are a pussy!" Spider-Man laughed. "Also after I give her a taste of a real hero, she'll probably dump your ass and I'll tell her to go fuck herself!"

"Don't you dare talk about Kitana that way!" Liu Kang yelled.

"Ooooooh, are you threatening me?" Spider-Man mocked.

"Yeah, maybe I am." Liu Kang growled but Spider-man was unthreatened.

"Kick his ass Spidey!" Deadpool cheered.

Spider-Man took Deadpool's advice by striking fighting pose and doing a 'come get some' hand gesture. Liu Kang replies by doing his trademark bicycle kicks, hitting Spider-Man repeatedly in the face and forcing him back and he falls on his back. Spider-Man, one never to back down from a fight, kicks him in the face with both legs and jumps back up. Spider-Man then pays Liu Kang back for kicking him in the face by hitting Liu with 3 roundhouse punches. Liu throws a roundhouse kick at Spider-Man but he catches it and elbows his kneecap, causing Liu Kang to fall onto the ground and Spidey plants his foot on Liu's chest.

"You lose monkeyfuck." Spider-man flips Liu Kang off and walks away. But Liu swore in his head not to let Spider-Man get away with his disrespect for Kitana and does a flying kick, aiming for Spider-Man's head. But Spider-Man's spider-sense kicked in and he ducked, causing Liu Kang to fly over the edge and fall to the ground, which was 30 feet away screaming. His screaming caused Kitana and Jade to come out of the tent.

"What happened?" Kitana asked worried.

Spider-Man and Deadpool looked at each other equally worried but for different reasons.

"Um, it was Liu Kang. He jumped off the ledge to commit suicide." Spider-Man lied.

"Yeah! It was horrible, he jumped off saying 'I don't want to live anymore!' and I think he said something about you getting fat." Deadpool explained.

"Let us go over to the hill and pray my friend." Spider-Man said to Deadpool and they both went to the edge of the hill.

"We'll join you." Jade said.

"No, no, no you stay over there. This' private." Spider-Man suggested. The hero clerks go to the edge but instead of praying, they unzip their pants and start urinating on Liu Kang's twitching corpse.

"Hey I think he's still alive." Deadpool whispered.

"I bet I can piss in his mouth." Spider-Man said as moved slightly to the left.

**Back in Outworld**

Shao Khan was going through his daily routine of struggling to open up his meds. While going through his daily routine, a tarkatan servant came in.

"W-w-what is it lackey? Uhhhh." Shao Khan stuttered.

"Sir I'm here to report that Liu Kang is dead." The servant said. After hearing this Shao Khan stopped what he was doing and looked at his servant.

"What was that?"

"I said Liu Kang is dead." The servant repeated. Shao Khan dropped his pill bottle and looked at the sky and a bright light shone down on him.

"That's the best news I've ever heard!" Shao Khan stood up and his chest puffed out proudly as he smiled.

"Get the soldiers into the meeting room. And find me those assholes that have been stealing my money!" Shao Khan said as he walked away. The one thing that scared the tarkatan servant was that the emperor said all that without stuttering or shaking.

In Mileena's bedroom, Scorpion was with her, they were both naked, and there was a lot of thrusting. Need I say more? Their moment was ruined however once the door was pulled off by the hinges.

"Get your hell-specter hands off my daughter!" Shao Khan said as he grabbed Scorpion by the neck and threw his naked body out the window.

"Dad that was Scorpion! Do you know how hard it's been for anyone to get with Scorpion!?" Mileena yelled as she covered herself but Shao Khan proved his superiority by grabbing her by the neck and bringing her to his face.

"Don't you dare talk to me that way! I am your father and you will have respect for me or I'll rip your head off!" Shao Khan yelled without stuttering once and this scared Mileena.

"Yes sir!" she said as she was in fear for her life.

"Good now get dressed and meet me in the war room!" he commanded as he dropped her on her bed and walked away.

.


	6. Chapter 6

In the war room, Shao Khan was marching in front of his army of tarkatans, shokans, and other soldiers.

"Now men, as of now there will be some changes!" Khan shouted. At this point he was no longer a nervous wreck of a man. With his head held high and chest puffed out, Shao Khan stood more poised and confident than before and this scared his troop.

"No longer will you steal money from me, vandalize my statues, take a dump on my throne, leave me to die to see a lover, or write 'Shao Khan Sucks' on my bedroom walls!" Shao Khan reminisced about how his troops had humiliated him. "My new rule starts today and I shall begin it by punishing those who have taken advantage of me".

All the troops started shaking in fear since Shao Khan didn't specify who he was talking about.

"Bring me Baraka!" Shao Khan demanded. All the soldiers decided in 1 second that their lives were more important than one so they gave up Baraka to the front of the group. Baraka saw the glare of Khan and dropped to his knees and put his hands together in a praying position.

"Please master don't kill me!" Baraka pleaded. "I-I-I'll give you back your money! All I need is some money and a trip to Vegas."

"SILENCE!" Khan shouted and Baraka stopped his pathetic pleading. "First you will repay me but not with money! As you all know, Kitana's starting a pathetic attempt at my life. Baraka you will go and kill her strike team or die trying. If you come back without killing that whore of my step-daughter and her puny friends I will rip your head off and have your body as barbeque! As for the rest of you, you will all give your lives to destroy her strike team and then we will destroy the evil power!"

After Shao mentioned 'evil power' all the warriors looked at eachother confused.

"The evil power is THE EDENIAN MONARCHY!" Khan yelled. After hearing this, all the soldiers said 'oh'.

000000000

Back in the forest Kitana, Jade, Spider-Man, and Deadpool were walking through the forest. They seemed to be getting closer to Outworld and Khan's temple. Deadpool's constant talking and shooting was still driving Kitana nuts.

"Are we there, " Deadpool began before he looked at a tree. "BIRD!"

Deadpool shot a bird out of the tree branch and Kitana had it.

"DAMN IT DEADPOOL DO YOU HAVE TO SHOOT EVERYTHING!?" Kitana snapped.

"No one's ever asked me that before."

"I've been asking you that for 2 fucking days." Kitana yelled before they all heard rustling in the bushes. Deadpool pointed his gun at the bush.

"Don't even think about it," Kitana ordered and Deadpool groaned sadly. Spider-Man went over to the bush and pulled it off the ground and it turned out Baraka was hiding there.

"Baraka!" Kitana went for her fans but Baraka held out his hands in defense.

"Wait!" Baraka uncharacteristically pleaded. "You don't understand. Shao Khan's gone nuts! After hearing about Liu Kang's death he started getting his self-confidence got a boost and we're all living in hell right now. So if you don't mind I must kill you all now."

Baraka popped the blades from his arms and let out a battle cry. He charged at Spider-Man but he dodged to the left and Baraka lodged his blade into a tree.

"Look I've got nothing against you guys so can you just tell Khan you killed me and not tell him I ran off to Vegas with whatever money I stole from him?"

"Who said we're going to Shao Khan's place?" Spider-Man said.

"What!?" Kitana questioned.

"You told us that before Khan got his ass handed to him by your ex-pussy that he was the more powerful than the Hulk and Juggernaut's dick combined!" Spider-Man explained.

"If he's gotten his self-confidence back and went from a dickless monkey to a King Kong sized gorilla dick then forget it!" Deadpool added. "No money is worth my life and I doubt I'll have enough in me to see another friend die."

Kitana knew that if this ever happend she'd need a backup plan. So she walked up to Spider-Man, turned around, and started rubbing her butt against his crotch. She knew it worked when he started to shudder but Deadpool went up and pushed her away from his best friend.

"Dude I know you're the common sense guy and the one with a little more sanity but is some pussy really worth your life?" Deadpool strangely tried to put some sense into Spidey.

"I-I-I don't know Deadpool," Spider-Man stammered. "What would Jesus do?"

"I'd take the fucking pussy and the money!" a young man with white dyed hair, no taller than 5'6, wearing a white t-shirt and black shorts, holding a slurpee said as he walked by. The group all looked bewildered at what just happend.

"Well I guess that answers the question," Deadpool shrugged.

"Hey how'd you get here?" Spider-Man asked Baraka.

"Just take walk about 200 yards North. You'll find the portal and when you go through it you'll be right in front of the palace." Baraka directed and they all left, leaving Baraka behind still lodged on to the tree.

"Uh guys, could you help me out?" It was too late, they were all gone.


	7. Chapter 7

Kitana, Jade, Deadpool, and Spider-Man walked through the portal and like Baraka said were right in front of the castle. The castle would have looked pretty terrifying since the entrance looked like Khan's helmet except that there was a ton of graffiti including 'Khan sucks' and 'Khan's a pussy'. Before going into the entrance, the group saw Scorpion, laying on the floor with his neck broken and he's naked.

"Scorpion!" Spider-Man yelled as he went up to his idol but keep his distance since Scorpion was naked.

"Why're you naked?" Kitana asked.

"Don't ask," Scorpion replied

"How'd you survive a broken neck?" Jade asked.

"I didn't," Scorpion answered. "I'm already dead. Speaking of which, Spidey could you reposition my neck?

Spider-Man nodded and grabbed hold of Scorpion's neck.

"Okay a little to the left." Scorpion ordered. Spider-Man moved Scorpion's neck to the left and it snapped right back into place.

"What happend?" Spider-Man asked as he turned around while Scorpion stood up and sat down behind a bush to hide his nakedness.

"That prick Shao Khan threw me out of a two-story window!"

"Why?" Jade asked.

"I was visiting my girlfriend," Scorpion explained.

"Mileena?" Kitana asked.

"Yeah," Scorpion looked at the 2 Mortal Kombat women's expressions. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just that it's unexpected," Kitana explained.

"Whatever. Listen just be careful in there. Khan with his self-confidence returned is a bad thing."

The strike team started to walk in but Scorpion asked them to stop. "Wait! Could you tell Mileena to meet me out here and tell her to bring me my clothes?"

"Okay," Kitana responded.

They walked in and were met by a group of scared soldiers.

"Thank God, you're hear!" one of the tarkatan's said.

"It's not human I tell you!" another soldier said.

"What are you talking about?" Deadpool asked bewildered at how all the soldiers looked as if they were about to piss themselves.

"It's Khan!" Mileena, Kitana's twin/clone, said. "He's gone crazy! He's been making the kids work without rest, he's used the tarkatan's for target practice, and he's broken the legs of a centaur with his warhammer! He even threw my boyfriend out of my bedroom window!"

"Scorpion? He's right outside, he wants you to know that he's okay but he needs you to bring him his clothes," Spider-Man explained.

Mileena goes up to her room to get Scorpion's clothes and the strike team starts to walk into Khan's throne room before one of the tarkatan's tried to stop them.

"You can't go in there! He'll kill you!"

"Well find a way," Kitana said optimistically.

"You're funeral!" one of the soldiers said before he and the rest of the soldiers said before the got out of the way and let them enter the throne room. It was dark, scary and all that was scene was Shao Khan's huge, muscular body.

"I've been waiting for you, young heroes," Shao Khan mocked in a deep, sinister voice. A young tarkatan came up to Shao Khan and offered him a pill bottle.

"Y-You're pills sir?"

Shao Khan bashed in the younglings head in with his bear fist. "No! No longer will I ever need pills to sustain my body! I need blood! BLOOD!

"That's Shao Khan!" Deadpool pointed at the emperor and Kitana nodded.

"There is no way that I'm fighting that thing!" Spider-Man yelled at Kitana. "You can't make me!"

Kitana grabbed Spider-Man's head and jammed it into her cleavlage. Once she let him go, Spider-Man's head was spinning.

"You just made me," Spider-Man goes into the center of the throne room which also doubled as a fighting arena.

"Well it's going to take more than a big pair of boobs to convince me to fight that thing!" Deadpool said. Kitana put a huge wad of cash, almost 1000 dollars, in front of his face and Deadpool shuddered as if he's having an orgasm and joined Spidey in the arena.

"We're gonna kick you ass Shao-Cock sucker!" Spider-Man and Deadpool mocked in unison.

"You...kick my ass?" Shao Khan laughed before taking out his hammer. "We'll see about that!"

Spider-Man and Deadpool both gulped once Shao Khan finished his sentence. They then saw Shao Khan jump in the air with his hammer, intending to strike down on them but they were lucky enough to get out of the way when he struck and left a huge dent on the floor. Spider-Man tried to web up the emperor but he was able to break free and charged after Spidey. Deadpool tried to distract Khan by shooting him with his AK's but the bullets bounced off him. Khan felt the bullet's like misquitoes to his skin and turned around and marched up to Deadpool. Deadpool kept shooting but once Shao Khan walked up to Deadpool and bent the barrels of both guns. Deadpool started to feel tears well up in his eyes of his destroyed babies.

"Deadpool use your secret weapon!" Spider-Man told Deadpool.

"I told you! Those mini-nukes weren't mine!" Deadpool responded.

"Not those you nimrod! You're mouth!" Spider-Man reminded him.

"Oh yeah!" Deadpool took out his swords. "You know Khan I have to hand it to you, you know how to make people piss their pants. I remember this guy I once met I showed him my photo collection of dead bodies, some of them I did, others belonged to Deathstroke that lucky s.o.bj, and his pants started to fill up like the gosh darn hoover dam!

While going on about nothing, Deadpool was slashing at Khan's skin and it was having no effect.

"Also you've got skin as hard as a rhino's ass! Have you seen a rhino's butt? It's...holy crap!" Deadpool's tirade was interrupted once his swords cracked under the pressure of Shao Khan's skin. Khan then grabbed Deadpool by the neck and threw him to where Spider-Man was.

"So much for my secret weapon. What do we do now?" Deadpool asked his best friend as he struggled to get up.

"The one thing we can do...RUN!" the hero clerks started running away from Shao Khan as he chased after them with his hammer raised high. Up above, Kitana and Jade were watching the whole spectacle with worry in their eyes. Kitana then turned to her friend.

"This isn't looking good," she told Jade. "Go get 'Plan B'.

Jade nodded at her friends command and left to get 'Plan B' in the nearby forest. Jade ran up to a shadowy area and stopped her search.

"Plan A didn't work, did it?" Jade shook her head. "And you need me to go in there and save the 2 nutless monkies you hired to do your dirty work."

Jade nodded.

"Hmmm..." the shadowy figure pondered. "Save that pussy Spider-Man or make a million extra dollars? I think my minds been made up."

000000000

Deadpool was too tired to continue fighting. Shao Khan took advantage of this my swinging his hammer like a golf club straight into Deadpool's groin.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Deadpool screamed as he fell to the floor. He then grabbed his crotch in pain and started to cry like a little baby.

Khan then turned his attention towards Spider-Man who was pleading to let him live. Khan ignored his pleas and punched Spider-Man in his ribs. Spider-Man felt each of them crack and grabbed onto his aching chest as he fell over in pain. Shao Khan looked at the pathetic sights before him and began to laugh.

"It's official you suck!" Shao Khan said to the beaten heroes. He then saw Kitana at the end of the arena. "Is this all you've got?"

"No there's always plan b." she indicated to a figure behind her.

"Bring on whatever you've got! I can...wait a minute...what the hell?"

Kitana stepped aside and in came...Venom. His move open revealing his razor-sharp teeth, his toungue swirling around like crazy, and drool coming out of his mouth, he was growling like a wild animal with the intent of eating Shao Khan.

"W-What are you?" Shao Khan demanded, his stuttering habits returning to him slowly.

Venom let out an inhuman roar and Shao Khan screamed. Before he knew it, the trembling and the shaking had returned to him.

Venom marched up towards Khan angrily.As Khan backed away, he dropped his hammer and his teeth chattered in fear at the one thing that looked as it could beat him.

"YOU DARE TO TREAT THE SPAWN OF YOUR LOINS THIS WAY!" Venom demanded.

"What!" Shao Khan couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You can't be my son!"

"Oh yes I am!" Venom shouted. "You are the great symbiotes predecessor!"

"Y-Y-You can't be… you c-c-can't be!" Shao Khan clasped his head to drown out Venom's mad ravings.

"A long time ago! In a galaxy far far away! In the land before time! In the time before time!" Venom screamed. "You, Shao Khan, gave birth to the greatest of all the symbiote's!

"W-W-What're you saying?" Shao Khan was too confused at this point.

"Shao Khan..." Venom breathed in a breath like Darth Vader and spoke in his voice. "I am your son!"

This was the final straw. Immediately, a heart attack overwhelmed Shao Khan. Clutching his chest, Khan gasped for air as the trauma deliberately traveled from his spinal column to his brain. In no time at all, he was again a nervous wreck, twitching violently as jerky spasms took over his bodily functions. He then saw the pills that he denied himself from the young tarkatans body, grabbed and opened it, and started chugging the pills into his mouth.

"That's not true!" Khan chugged more pills into his mouth. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!"

"He-he, search your feelings you know it to be true," Venom lauged as he watched Khan suffering. He walked back to Kitana, who was happy that the whole ordeal was over.

"Well Venom, you just save my realm and yours from a lifetime of torture. What do you have to say?" Kitana asked the symbiote happily.

"Give me my fucking money," Venom said. He didn't care if he saved billions of people, he just wanted more money. Kitana sighed and gave him his million dollars in a suitcase and Venom left. She then saw Spider-Man and Deadpool on the ground in pain.

"Well, guess I'll have to get you 2 back to Edenia."

**Back at the Edenian castle..**

Spider-Man had his chest bandaged up and Deadpool had an ice pack on his groin. Kitana then came in to congradulate the heroes.

"Well guys, I just came to thank y..."

"Oh shut up!" Deadpool cut her off.

"Yeah! Now whe're the prizes?" Spider-Man began. "Come on, let's get bu-say!"

Kitana smiled and sighed. "Well I guess I owe you guys that much. Here's your money."

She gave them both suitcases holding their money. They opened them and smile like kids at Christmas after seeing all the dollar bills shining on them.

"As for you Spidey," she smiled seductively and grabbed his hand. "Come with me to my room."

Spider-Man got up and gave his best friend a thumbs up as he was led out. "You're gonna have to be on top though, my ribs are broken."

"God speed my friend," Deadpool indicated to his best friend once he left. Deadpool then got up and went over to a nearby radio Kitana had in the room and put in his Andrew W.K. cd in. "God Speed."

Deadpool then put on sunglasses and started dancing like Tom Cruise at the end of 'Tropic Thunder' to Andrew W.K.'s 'Party Hard'. He danced like a moron remembering the adventure he and his best friend had in Edenia and Outworld.

**A/N: The End. I personally think I could've made this fic better but I enjoyed writing it. Stay tuned for more.**


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